Jokes There once were two best friends named Bob and Earl. They were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives revolved around baseball. Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they examined every box score during the season. They went to over 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching a Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died a happy man. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob''s voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied. "This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed, "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" "Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven, Earl." "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You''re pitching tomorrow night." It was a particularly hard football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top. How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter." The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!" The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?" 4 55 66 88 avror A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that chal lenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall." good good FREE things cat god dog cat I don't know if your definitions are correct or not. Mine actually has no definition. In 1971, while at the University of Oregon, I read how the word "quiz" came into being--a non-existanct word created by a couple of men during a bet in New York. Since I was into practical jokes, I convinced a couple of friends that we could do the same thing. There was no word "quimp" in the dictionary and it sounded innocent enough, so we began the process. We started using it in our everyday language, began etching it into our desks (with ballpoint pens, wrote it on sidewalks and walls in chalk, painted a banner with the word and hung it from the tallest building on campus, etc. Eventually, the campus newspaper wrote an article asking what this seemingly new word meant. I even asked a few "know-it-alls" what it meant--they called me stupid and naive and said that, "everybody knows it means a 'queer pimp.'" We thought that was funny and finally ordered car license plates with the word "quimp" and drove it all over Eugene, Oregon for about a year. The last step was in starting an intramural sports team, which competed all over campus in sports such as football, basketball, bowling, track, golf, baseball, etc. And you guessed it, we called ourselves the Quimps. We won first place that year--1973. So, I don't know if this is the origin of the word or not, but I wanted to pass this on to you. 44 3402 386 IT post-5343 3882 YES My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 dollars. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have flabby thighs, but my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass. fanta post test big go 6874 Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dont know. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday." 55 goats sports p29818 hot fun wet dogs Nobody can deny that the goal of software development is to produce the besgt quality product possible. The only way to ensure that quality is through extensive testing. Therefore, the following testing programs will be implemented as additions to the regularly scheduled regression testing: Aggression Testing: Punching all developers with an open bug. Confession Testing: All developers must admit what they either cannot do or have blown off. Digression Testing: Developers and analysts must change the subject and ramble when the topic of bugs comes up. Repression Testing: All developers must tell everyone who they secretly want to kill. Oppression Testing: All developers will be required to work 24 hours a day until all bugs are fixed. Depression Testing: All developers must explain which bugs make them sad, and why. Succession Testing: Developers must be able to name the chain of command in the event that a PM dies. Hessian Testing: QA will be redone by German mercenaries. Joe Pescian Testing: All functions to be tested by a hot-headed Mafioso. Please see your PM to get your testing schedule. A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by a fierce tribe. The chief approaches them and says, 'The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die. ' The Frenchman says, 'I take the poison. ' The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, 'Vive la France!' and drinks it down. The Englishman says, 'A pistol for me, please. ' The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, 'God save the queen!' and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, 'Gimme a fork. ' The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, 'What are you doing???' The New Yorker looks at the chief and laughs, 'So much for your canoe!' view it online 313 edge euro Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too." That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!" pro sports hall of shame home